One night, my wife and I were watching “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” while we were resting in bed. Bored, I turned to her and said: “Do you want to make love?”. “No!”she replied.
So I told him in an announcer’s voice, “Is that your final answer…?” He didn’t even look at me then, he just answered me with a “Yeah” very listless
So I told him “Then I’d like to call a friend.”
After that the fight broke out…
Another day I took my wife to a French restaurant. For some reason the waiter took my order first.
“I would like to have a veal entrecote, please.”
The waiter jokingly asked me, “Aren’t you afraid of mad cows?”
“Nah, they’re quieter than they seem”I said referring to my wife.
That’s when the fight started…
My wife and I were in one of the meetings that are usually done with the alumni of the institute. Suddenly we saw how a drunk sat down at a table near us. In a low voice I asked my wife, “Do you know him?”.
“Yeah”he said as he sighed. “For a while we were dating, I heard he started drinking shortly after we broke up and hasn’t stopped since. That was many years ago.”.
“My God!”I said surprised. “I didn’t know a person could spend so much time celebrating something…«
And then the fight started again…
One afternoon when the lawn mower broke down, my wife told me to try to fix it instead of buying a new one. I told her yes, that she would put it on the list of things to fix that I have in the garage.
The truth is that I always find something more important to do than fix the mower even though my wife is sick of reminding me. One day my wife got tired and when I got home I found her sitting in the garden cutting the grass with a small sewing shears trying to make me feel guilty and decide to help her.
I watched her for a few minutes and then went into the house. Before long I was back out on the porch and handed my wife a toothbrush as she said, “after you cut the grass you could sweep the driveway.”
That day he made me a good one.
My wife sat next to me one day when I was watching TV. Seeing me constantly changing channels she asked me, “what’s on tv?”.
“Dust”I answered him. From the look on her face I think he didn’t get the joke.
Another day, my wife let me know what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She told me, “I would like to have something fast, something that goes from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds”.
So I surprised her by giving her a bathroom scale.
Seeing the face he put on that day is priceless.
One day I decided to buy my mother-in-law a plot in the cemetery as a Christmas present. The following year I didn’t give her anything, so she asked me, “What’s up this year?”then I replied, “Why do you want another gift if you haven’t used the one I gave you last year yet?”.
That day it was difficult for me to bear the reprisals of both of them.
The last time, my wife was naked looking at herself in the mirror in the room. She wasn’t too happy with what she saw and so she said to me, “I look horrible, I look old, I’m fat and ugly. I need you to pay me a compliment to cheer me up.”
So I told him, “Look on the bright side, at least you have perfect eyesight!”
I’m still recovering from that one but I have to say it was worth it.