Maybe you’ve met someone recently, despite the pandemic and other things that can easily put a damper on dating. Or maybe you are in a relationship that has been going downhill for quite some time. In both cases, it’s easy for a nagging feeling to appear in the back of your mind after a while, wondering: “is this relationship right for me – really?”. The Everygirl have listed 12 signs that the relationship you are fighting for is not right for you, you will find them below!
1. You want a relationship more than you want the person
If you’ve longed for a relationship, felt pressured to find a partner, or are tired of feeling alone, it may be that you’re more in love with the idea of a relationship than the actual person. To find out if this is the person or relationship you want, you can think about whether you would like to be friends with this person? Would you want to be around her or him even if your relationship was platonic or if a relationship wasn’t an option? What if this person never wanted to get married or lived in a place far away. Would you still want to be with that person or want to move on to someone more comfortable? If you are only with the person because of convenient circumstances or because you want to have a relationship, there is a big risk that you are more in love with being in a relationship than with the person in question.
2. You are self-aware
Chemistry or not – if you’re with someone who makes you tense, makes you feel like you need to censor yourself, or makes you overthink your words or actions, it’s not a real partnership. Even if there is a spark, it is between the other person and a censored version of yourself; why would you even want that spark? If the relationship is based on you tiptoeing to make it work, it’s not worth wasting your time on.
3. The relationship does not recover after arguments
When it comes to disagreeing in relationships, we learn a lot of contradictory things growing up. We either expect a passionate love affair like in the movie The Notebook, where the spark means constant bickering, or we believe in the idea of ”the one”, the one right person who is perfect for us. She never makes mistakes and therefore we never have to disagree; an argument or mistake must mean there is someone better out there.
But compatibility and a successful relationship doesn’t depend on whether or not you fall out, but how you recover from falling out. No matter who your perfect partner is, they won’t be a robot, so remember that you’ll both make mistakes, bad days will come, and fights will happen. Pay attention to how your partner reacts at these times. Do they listen to you, communicate clearly and will never make the same mistake again? Do you both care more about the relationship than being right? Or do you struggle with communication, are long-winded and feel that every argument could be the end of the relationship? If the closeness between you does not return after you have argued, it may be that you are forcing the relationship.
4. You show more tenderness in public than when you are alone
All relationships are different. Maybe you think it’s silly to post relationship dates on Facebook and think it’s embarrassing to kiss in front of your friends, or maybe you want the whole world to know how happy you are. None of these are wrong, but you should show just as much tenderness (or more) in private as you do in public. If the spark is there, you probably just happen to show it instead of consciously showing your love to others: like exchanging smiles across the room, holding hands under borders, or telling the other how much you love each other when you go to bed.
Instead of making out in front of your friends or flaunting your love on all social media, maybe you tease in public, brag about things the other has accomplished, or steal a kiss when you think no one is looking. If your affection for each other is more public than private (for one or both of you), then your relationship may be more about proving something to others than what you actually feel deep down.
5. You hope that something in the person will change
If you find yourself thinking: “this person would be perfect if only he [infoga saken här]” or “we will have a great relationship when he [infoga förändringen här]” then you try to force the spark. And a spark that is forced will never last. You don’t always have to have the same values, beliefs and opinions, but you must at least understand, respect and appreciate your differences. You shouldn’t have to change the person to love them.
Speaking of which; if you find yourself blaming the lack of attraction on a weird haircut or bad style – remember that it probably won’t change even if the person gets a new haircut or updates their wardrobe. Physical attraction is about how your bodies communicate, and you should feel an attraction and an attraction to the person that is not dependent on factors that can be changed.
6. You don’t trust the person
Of course, that’s the biggest red flag if you doubt the person’s loyalty (intuition is often right). If you don’t trust the person to be faithful, then gen is definitely not “the one” for you. But it can also be about trusting the person in other ways: if it is someone who is worth being with you, you trust their opinions, value input from the person and believe in the person. You trust his honesty and do not question his integrity. The person calls when they promise to do so and makes you feel safe even when you are in different places. Yes, the spark is due to attraction, but it’s also about your bond when you’re not physically together.
7. You have to pretend you’re interested, or vice versa
You and your partner probably have many different interests. In fact, you should have – basically dating yourself would be incredibly boring. So no, you may not always have the same passions or interests, but you should be interested in learning more because you know how much it means to the person and because you want to be able to share what the person loves.
At the same time, you shouldn’t have to pretend you don’t love listening to hits in the car or feel like you can never talk about the latest fashion trends because you know your partner doesn’t care. She should want to love everything you love and talk about everything you want to talk about. If the person rolls their eyes when you tell them about your day or you don’t bother to ask about their new hobby, it could be that the spark is missing.
8. You can see a life with the person in front of you, but it doesn’t make you excited
Just because you can imagine a life together doesn’t always mean it’s right for you. When you think about what a relationship, having a home, raising a family or growing old with the person would mean – is the fantasy more exciting than actually doing all this with the person? To quote one classic love movie: “when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible”. A life with the person should feel exciting.
If the spark is there, you will always look forward to the next step and envision yourself happily together at age 80. If you force the spark then you won’t be excited for a life with the person, or will be more caught up in the big life events (wedding. buying a house, having kids, etc.) and won’t be able to imagine just you two together in 50 years.
9. You don’t have a good friendship
If you’re not laughing, joking, and enjoying each other’s company during non-romantic moments like running errands, cleaning the house, or walking the dog, your spark may be an illusion based on physical chemistry or the fact that the relationship is new, but which does not last long. Aren’t the best friendships the ones where you fool around for no reason and keep laughing? If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone, make sure it’s the best friendship you’ve ever had. Your partner should be able to bring out your wildest side, because it shows how they will continue to make you laugh when the going gets tough or boring. It’s a spark.
10. It only feels good with the person in certain situations
Maybe you have fun hanging out with your partner’s nieces and nephews, but want to crawl out of your own skin when your partner is around your own family because they don’t fit in. Or you think you love the person when you go out on a date but can’t stand the person on Sunday mornings when you’re just hanging out at home. Instead of being distracted by the moments when it feels good, you should focus on when it doesn’t. Love is uncomfortable; it’s about caring about something when it’s not easy to do so. If your feelings are strong for the person in winning environments or situations, but lacking in others, then the spark between you may be an illusion based on external factors.
11. You don’t feel safe or respected
It’s easy to confuse the spark with a lot of other emotions. Security, dependence and infatuation are the most common ones that are often mistaken for love. Although love can feel addictive, the differences between addiction and the addictive qualities of love are that with a healthy love relationship comes respect, trust and commitment. If you are only dependent on one person (with a temporary spark) it will feel more like you are looking for kicks at any cost.
Similarly, the difference between secure love, and love based on security, is the feeling of being safe. With a safe love, you will feel safe and trust the person no matter what happens. If, on the other hand, you are in a relationship to feel safe, then you will feel insecure when you are not with the person because of the lack of trust in either the person or the relationship. Realize what love feels like – and don’t mistake it for anything else.
12. You are not on the same wavelength
It can feel confusing with definitions and stories surrounding what chemistry and spark actually mean, but the truth is, it just means you’re on the same wavelength when it comes to humor, intimacy, and what you want out of the relationship. If there’s a real spark, one that will remain even when the relationship isn’t new anymore, then you won’t have to think about whether it’s there or not because you both know it instinctively. A soulmate, “the one,” or just someone who is actually worth spending time with, will never feel forced or forced. Even if the relationship feels difficult (because it will) loving each other will not feel difficult. So if something feels wrong, it’s because it is.
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